Legacy

Brrrr! Gives me the chills to recall this tale, except for the ending.  It was one of the worst nightmares I and me wife Kathleen ever had, and we were awake, I think. I’m Tom Delaney, I’m 73 and it was mostly me sainted wife’s fault.

We both like to watch HGTV and its various programs about one aspect of housing or another.  Being Irish while we relax in front of the telly we have a couple of nips each to relax us for bedtime or just for fun, don’t need to much of an excuse you know.  Anyway, one of our favorite programs is when they do major renovations to make a poor house a dream home, or in some cases a dream home out of what most of us wee mortals would have just tore down. Go figure, most of us Irish are smarter than that.

Most of us that is, with the possible exception of my wife who thinks flipping houses is a grand thing. Blarney to that sort of thing, me myself have always said. I couldn’t have enough nips to make me that stupid.  My wife, bless her sainted heart however, apparently didn’t even require one nip to get stupid.

She comes back from shopping like a school girl prancing after her first date, thinking she had just got a new plaything.  Which is what she used to call me, her very own plaything.  I used to think it funny, but me myself is not so sure anymore.  Anyway, sweet thing that she is, she announced with great joy and pride that she had done a most wonderful thing for us.

My first thought was not one of happiness, but of and just what’s it going to cost me?  I’m not a tight wadded Scotchman, mind ye, but for an Irishman, I’m prudently frugal.  That’s the difference

Anyway, I got the shock of me poor life, me myself almost fainted, if I hadn‘t grabbed a quick nip, I most surely would have

Me sainted wife Kathleen, almost gave me a heart attack when she told me she had just contracted to buy a huge, really huge old mansion, that needed a wee bit of fixing up she said.  It had over 5,000 feet of space she said, it was simply wonderful she said.  She sounded to me more like a Realtor than a buyer.  Our current house has 1,600 square feet, and thank you, it’s big enough for me and myself with room for her too.

I wasn’t thrilled; she couldn’t seem to figure out why.  I was doing my best to hold me tongue, because we Irish can be given to colorful expression, especially when angered.  And I didn’t want to hurt the poor things feelings by asking her if she was daft or what.

I said and just how do you propose to pay for this wonderful place that I don’t want.  She wasn’t even fazed by that remark’s implications.  That seemed strange, she usually bawls at the drop of a hat.  Anyway, she said by selling our house.  I said by any chance my fair coleen is the sale contingent upon the sale of our house.  She said yes that’s the arrangement.  Boy oh boy was that a relief, because our house wasn’t going to be sold, of that me and myself was very certain.

She didn’t seem to get that idea either, was she in another world or what.  She insisted I come see this marvel of marvels.  She wouldn’t let go of that idea either.  So I agreed to go look.  I took an extra bottle with me because I knew I’d for sure need it.

We got there and its basic architecture was impressive, but a bit ram shackled.  The front porch was semi wrapped around.  It sat on massive stones as did the rest of the house.  A very good foundation.  The porch floor was very thick huge slabs of cut stone.  Indeed this had at one point been a very rich mans house.

The porch area was inset not only under a bit of roof, but under a portion of the houses second story as well.  It was a grand porch. We went in to what had to have been a grand huge room at one time or another.  But it was now in such a stage of disrepair that it would take ten times our saving to renovate that mess.

Yes at one time a most expensive house, one could tell.  Over to one side where a couple of floor boards had dry rotted or was ate away by termites, one could see there was no sub flooring. But the wood flooring was five inch wide planking that was three inches thick.

Built to last, but it didn’t, water getting in from leaky roof or tide and time, who knows, but this place was one giant money pit.  The fireplace was huge and the surrounds of walnut ornately carved in a most beauteous fashion.  Lots of one time goodies, but now, to bad so sad, not for me or myself. No way, period.  Even the massive support column between rooms was saggy looking.

At some point someone had put in a drop ceiling to hide plaster ceiling cracking to pieces no doubt.  The wife just as exuberant about as she had started out being wasn’t fazed one bit about my putting the place down.  She said this is a small problem; wait till you see the back half.  I thought no! it will be even worse, and I had me three quick nips to get enough courage to even look.

Now that was a different kind of surprise; had to have me another nip.  It had already been renovated, and someone did a fantastically good job.  That area included one bedroom, a library, dinning room, and last but certainly not the least a fantastic kitchen done quite opulently with all the best high end appliances.  Okay, that’s nice, the place had possibilities, but not for us.  The front half and who knows about the second floor, I wouldn’t even look.  Was obviously way out of our abilities.  I had two more nips and me Irish dander got out of control.

I jumped poor Kathleen’s bones and didn’t spare the adjectives.  I asked her if she was out of her mind, just daft or maybe she was hypnotized or mesmerized by an unscrupulous owner?  That was to much, she started to cry, she didn’t understand what my problem was.

She couldn’t come to grips with my telling her we weren’t going to sell our house and buy this unholy mess that even a drunken Banshee wouldn’t live in.  I rushed her back to the car and put her in.  I was so mad I could spit, so mad I almost forgot to have a nip, but saint’s preserve I remembered to.

Then I remembered I’d left me extra bottle inside and went back to get it.  I was so hopping mad I almost did an Irish Jig, but instead give that main support column holding up the second story a good hard kick to make me and my self feel better.  That was a mistake; it was more fragile than anyone knew.  A big shudder started throughout the house and I knew it was time to get me self out of there.

I hadn’t hardly got back to the car when most of the second story collapsed inwardly, even taking a good part of the roof with it.  Also the porch top buckled between the house overhang and itself.

It made a tremendous noise in the process of collapsing. I figured well that took care of that, the place wasn’t salable any longer, ha, ha, ha! And I’d never admit knowing a thing about it.

Next funny thing that happened was Kathleen saying, where are we Tom?  What’s happened Tom, oh look Tom someone’s house fell in.  She hadn’t the foggiest idea of what had been transpiring. Indeed, she had been hypnotized or mesmerized by an unscrupulous owner.  The big noise snapped her out of it.  I was now in the mood to go get me big walking stick and go have a conversation with that skunk; that tried to pull it off on me poor sainted wife.

But before I could get in the car another little shudder was heard from the house, the next thing I knew was a big iron box dropped through the ceiling part of what had been the porch over hang. Its lock broke from the impact.  I went over to inspect it and found an old Wells Fargo strong box, circa 1880 I’d guess.  The house was built I’m told in 1860.

Anyway, in the box were ten sacks of twenty dollar gold pieces. Two thousand dollars face value per sack.  I couldn’t even pick up the box, but I could pick up the sacks two at a time.  I put them in the trunk.  I figured finders keepers and after what that skunk of an owner had tried to pull, I figured he had no rights to the booty.

I said to me wife, I guess we will buy this house after all.  She said what house, what are you talking about? I said that house. She said are you daft, stupid , out of your mind, or just had to many nips.

Well I very gently explained it all to her sweet self; she was less than amused about being mesmerized. But got a big laugh over how it all turned out.

Yes we bought the house and had it torn down, very carefully that is, and I was there for the whole thing, just in case there was more to be found.  Unfortunately there was not.

We are still living in our old home of the smaller size.  We like it just fine.  But as for me myself and I, I am quite content to still watch HGTV, while having a few nips with me wife and smiling at our bankbook with the four million dollars posted in it.

And as an Irishman giving his best Blarney Stone oath, I say faith and Begorra if this isn’t one fine tale.